Oh ye of little faith

I Asked The Lord: By John Newton
"I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out of feelings and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

Sin has a way of producing itself to where it appears to be so good and beneficial for me. This song has always had a way of humbling me and sending me to the cross in reverence for his providence. While reading "Trusting God" something was made aware to me, when talking about the providence of God we generally are referring to good things. "He providentially provided...or it was providence when (insert)." Never have I said, " providentially the Lord has allowed me to go through this time of pain, suffering, exhaustion, lack of faith, loss of spiritual appetite at time"...
What I am reaping during these times of trials in the trenchs of despair and loss of faith at time, is that God is still sovereign and good. While I bounce and waver and fall, He is ever faithful and steadfast. How good is it to serve a God who never faulters when I can't even stand up, to praise a God who provides a footing of stronghold when it seems too slippery. In my time of faithlessness and questioning if this is even what I am supposed to be doing, He is providing evidence that this is His will.

This hymn has always been one of my favorites to sing at RUF, not because of the beautiful imagery of our limitless, but because the music was so pretty and certain stanzas spoke to me. But in recent times, the entire song has been a gospel quenching song. The gospel pours from this. We in our sinful nature pursue what we believe to be "God's will" which is secretly and not cleverly masked as our own. And He is loving us, squashes our "fair designs" we scheme to become more real and beautiful as we realize our brokeness before His throne.

Just some thoughts that are running through my head at...5 am. lol